Notes on Leaving Something Good to Follow a Dream

Leaving something bad is hard; leaving something good is even harder.

Last week I posted about why I want to say no to a lot of things most people say yes to, at least for a little while. The words here are a sort of continuation to that blog. If you’d like to read it first, you can find it here. I wrote the initial draft of that post in August of 2017. I’ve been pondering long term travel seriously for over 2 years. A lot has changed in that time… including how I felt at work. When I look back on Aug 2017, I realize it was a time when work sucked–like “sweating-hands-and-lightheadedness-on-the-drive-to-work” sucked–because I knew I would walk straight into a disaster every day.

But then, by February of 2018, I felt content. Somehow in the world of retail pharmacy, I managed to get myself weekends off and 5 weeks of vacation per year. I changed locations and no longer dreaded going to work–most days I even laughed and enjoyed myself. In the span of a few months, everything changed for the better.

That day in Feb 2018 was a Saturday, so I was off and had Sunday off as well. I slept in a bit, read an amazing book while drinking a cup of English breakfast tea, daydreamed about travel for a while as per usual, then tied up my walking shoes and headed to the beach. I wore a long sleeve t-shirt (because February in SoCal) and almost instantly regretted it. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, and I was quickly too warm. I walked past bushes and noticed little flowers starting to bloom. I made it to the dog beach and sat in silence for a while, watching all the dogs with their different personalities. Some were timid and unsure, following closely behind their owners. Some were adventurous, their owners chasing after them and calling them back to safety. Some were silly, rolling over and over in the sand. Some were tired, curled up on a towel sleeping next to their human. Some couldn’t get enough of the water and kept throwing their bodies into the waves. I was sitting there with a huge smile on my face taking it all in. I watched little toddlers pick up sand and throw it in the wind over and over again. I saw groups of friends playing beach volleyball. As I walked back home, I passed by retro VW vans parked on Highway 101, and I imagined their drivers were some of the people out surfing. I felt lucky to live so close to that scene and grateful that my legs could take me there whenever I pleased.

You can see why I started to question my plan to leave it all in exchange for nomadism. I have it good here. Even when I think about working for a large corporation, my first thoughts are of gratitude– for being compensated well for the time I put in.

I’m scared to leave because I’m comfortable. I’m scared to stay because I’m comfortable. Somewhere deep down I’m restless, and I know the main reason I’ve felt inspired lately is that I’m working on making one of my life dreams a reality. A dream that has nothing to do with staying put.

I think again of how my job situation has changed for the better and how lucky I am to have had it (the only reason this trip is possible is because of the money I made at that job). But then I remember what putting all that time in actually felt like, and the main thing that comes to mind is anxiety. I’m also constantly wondering about my identity (who are we without our careers?)…that’s something I really want to explore.

The thought of doing something different makes me happy and excited even though change is of course scary. I want to give other paths a chance and see how I grow as a result. I value figuring out who I am and how I want to identify myself, so I’m saying goodbye to a good situation in the hopes of discovery and transformation and authenticity and something better. This jobless stint is not laziness–I worked hard and planned hard to get here. It will be a very active phase of taking time to see some of this incredible world and figuring out things about myself along the way.

Last Friday was my last day at work until who knows when. I’m officially unemployed and will soon be crashing at my parent’s house in between trips. I left something good out of my own free will and chose this instead. There’s a possibility it may not go how I’m hoping, but that can happen in “real life” too. Does loyalty really exist in business?

I plan on writing about my experience on a weekly basis and sharing it with you via this blog. The first official On.The.Move Musings post comes out soon. I hope you’ll follow along!